Conversations between me and my husband:
Me: I’m Sad
Husband: Why?
Me: I don’t know, I’m just sad
Husband: *gives hug*
I’m bipolar with an anxiety disorder and PTSD. I get anxious and depressed rather easily. I’ve had therapy and on medications, so for the most part I’m really good. Far better than I was the years I tried to just suffer through it thinking I’ll be fine eventually. There’s a lot of misunderstanding about depression, mainly that there’s something causing it.
Now depression can be caused by events. If say a loved one passes away or you lose your job and are struggling to survive, you can easily sink into depression. In such cases therapy can work, and maybe medication for a short time. But if depression is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, then you can have a great life and it still hit you. I have a great life now, but I can easily sink down and have anxiety problems. My previous exes dealt with me like I was nothing but a burden and that I needed to get over this junk, which just made it all the worse. It was something that made me nervous when considering dating again after my last divorce. So pretty much the second or third date with my now husband I laid it out for him. I’m bipolar and I cry easily.
In the beginning of our dating, the last time I tried to have a full time job, I started having sever panic attacks, and would call him and he’d come running to help me. He told me one time for some unknown reason as he rushed to my door he ripped open his top shirt like he was Superman ready to kick down my door. Luckily he remembered I’d already given him a key. I do temp work now, but my PTSD can still cause problems. I was at a retirement facility when we all had to crowd into a hallway due to a tornado warning. The biggest trigger for me is having my exit cut off. I’m surrounded by nurses and people in wheel chairs and logically I know I’m not in danger, and yet there I am about to freak out. I call my husband right quick and he tells me to pull up my Words with Friends app and he’d stay on there and play with me and to just focus on that, while he texted me funny things to keep me calm.
And now there are times that I can’t help it, I just tell him I’m sad and he just holds me till I feel better. It lets me know that there’s nothing wrong with being sad, even when there’s no actual reason for it. It’s not good to stay there and wallow in it. It helps to have someone who can help you through it, and that’s what I have now. I was previously married for 7 years and honestly I never once felt like I was married and I could never figure out why. After dating my current husband for only a month I felt more married than ever, and I realize it’s because I’ve found a partner I can count on.
Depression is serious, and it’s best to always seek help. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, because we’re human and we have emotions and some of those can get too much to handle on our own. If someone makes you feel ashamed, then either they don’t truly understand what you’re going through or they just don’t care. Make sure to surround yourself with people who can hug you because you just need it, and distract you when your mind is playing tricks on you.
If it’s one thing I’ve learned through 3 marriages, it’s that you have to be honest to begin with. If you have these issues you need to let the other person know, because it is a part of who you are. And if someone admits to you that this is something they suffer from you need to understand what you’re getting into. Not everyone is a care giver. As my dad says, some people are givers and others are takers. Everyone is to some degree both, but there are those that love caring for people and there are those that need to be cared for. It’s okay if it’s not in your nature to take care of such a person, but it’s not okay to make them feel bad for things they can’t control. Be honest with who you are so that everyone can find the right person to love.